on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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