I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
