Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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