Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
