Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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