I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
