You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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