Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
