I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
