I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
