We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
