Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
