How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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