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Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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