Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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