stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
