You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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