if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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