if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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