3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
