She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
