it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
