walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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