3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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