I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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