I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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