took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
