I can text with my tongue
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
