I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize