non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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