cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
cat food counts as protein by the way
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
