They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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