they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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