I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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