last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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