DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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