I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize