Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
