He asked to "fluff my boner.."
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
