i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
found the other keg... it's in the tree
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
