why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
