Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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