Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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