i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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