she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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