Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
