Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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