in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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