dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I look better un-naked...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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