he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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