Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
