Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize