Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
