ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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