Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
