Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
