Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize