I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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