I think I died a long time ago.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Randomize
