Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Someone shit on the floor
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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