you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
