I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
