well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All the doctor said was why
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
