you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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